i had a dream by Avni Jain

i had a dream i was rolling down mountain grass like i did at 9

i let the same wind take me like it did when i was 7

things don’t seem

as wide

as endless

as infinite

the way they did at 13

because i can’t flow with the wind anymore

breathing seems heavier than usual

the ruins of eating disorder are building themselves up again

and this time they seem invicible once again

a grey cloud overcasts my brain

my heart so deprived of warmth

and i know this feeling too well to feel it all over again.

i sometimes wish i never left that walled city of darkness

because im hitting curbs and everything along the way to not take that path anymore

but the city calls for me.

the city feels like a home to me.

the city strips me of my desire to make any effort

to smile

to eat

to breathe

dreaming of a way out seems like that one blinking nightlight without any spot of blood on it

but dreaming of a world unknown in this ill built walled city seems so scary

because that’s what led me here the first time.

and im afraid

the blinking nightlight would soon extinguish too.

-Avni Jain

you say you love me by Avni Jain

you say you love me then why do you make me feel so starved for love

you say love me but i dont see that love in the look of disgust you throw at me

you say love me but your words become blades severing every fragile wall i built

you say you love me but im scared because beauty starts decaying once it starts belonging.

you say you love me but your name is burnt into my skin and i smell of smoke and dying flesh on my way back home.

you say you love me and i feel like a lovesick fool around you but i feel walls creeping up on me the way your hands did as soon as i reach home.

it fills my entire room until i can’t move any longer

until i pick up the blade to return to my body.

my pysche cries a war on my body because

i have been trying recover lost time and all i can remembers is your hollow i love yous.

the next time you tell me you love me,

i wouldn’t say i don’t believe it.

i would say i want to.

-Avni Jain

i don’t stay long enough

i don’t stay long enough to hear the applause

mainly because i feel like i don’t deserve it

i don’t stay long enough to be loved

letters from lost lovers lie strangled in mess of my mind

i don’t dare to open them

for im scared of all the missed love stories

i move through people’s lives like a drift

i don’t like the ways they’ve looked at me.

the ways they’ve perceived me.

i don’t know when i turn transform from a person to a concept

a figment of their ideas.

i run back to my home reducing everything into a metaphor


they asked me where do i want to be in the next 5 years

i want to have an exit door

i want a little extra space

i want the little spaces between the boxes to breathe

to flow into

i want to run as i fast i can

i want to breathe in a land beyond the four walls

i want the strength to push these walls when they creep onto me

when every metaphor i write comes crumbling down into the ugly truth it was

when no artistry can aid the blood dripping over the same four walls;

when i can’t separate my breath and smoke anymore

i need the strength.

the power

to stay.

to fight back.

-Avni Jain

ghosts that reside in my body

ghosts that reside in my body

i. trauma

my trauma resides in my vocal cord

stealing and burying every cry for help

it strangles my throat with the hands i didn’t give it.

i’ve painted my tongue with

crushed blueberries and strawberries

sugarcoated it

with words people want to hear.

ii. the little girl i once was

the little girl i once was

wanted a home

needed a home

begged for a home

as i prisoned her in my ribcage

her wounded soul still fights



she wanted an eternal life

and i gave her an eternity of misery

in the shackles of my brain.

iii. person i am

my brain kills the person i am everyday

she bleeds all over the floor

she holds the little girl’s hands


she knows

she’s the only one who can save her

she begs her to return


the blood

the terror

isn’t her home.

iv. faces i’ve worn

my mind feels like a maze im trying to escape

i see faces lying there.

faces i wore and threw over the years.

for all i knew at this point was,

these faces aren’t mine.

v. fear and anxiety

they reside in my heart

clutching onto it

like an

ill fitted dress


grief reveals its repeated patterns.

they burn my heart

until theres nothing but

ashes all over me.

vi. people i’ve loved and lost

the ghosts of people i’ve loved and lost

reside in my veins

and haunt me

every night

in my sleep.

vii. grief

grief holds my legs

stops me from feeling the beat of the music

makes me hate the world

without music.

after i escaped hell by Avni Jain

after i escaped hell

my fingers didn’t feel soft enough,

my voice didn’t feel sweet enough

i had camphor all over my feet,

but my soul felt free;

from chains you imprisoned me in.

i didn’t realise when holding your hands,

chained my soul.

when loving you

turned into the poison i kept treasuring

in the jewel of my heart.

it poisoned my heart


my own heartbeat was unsettling;

and even on my deathbed,

i wanted you to whole my hand


palliate my heart.

for love is stronger than death,

and i want to lay under the lush green grass and soft brown earth,


the melody of my heartbeat.