i had a dream i was rolling down mountain grass like i did at 9
i let the same wind take me like it did when i was 7
things don’t seem
as wide
as endless
as infinite
the way they did at 13
because i can’t flow with the wind anymore
breathing seems heavier than usual
the ruins of eating disorder are building themselves up again
and this time they seem invicible once again
a grey cloud overcasts my brain
my heart so deprived of warmth
and i know this feeling too well to feel it all over again.
i sometimes wish i never left that walled city of darkness
because im hitting curbs and everything along the way to not take that path anymore
but the city calls for me.
the city feels like a home to me.
the city strips me of my desire to make any effort
to smile
to eat
to breathe
dreaming of a way out seems like that one blinking nightlight without any spot of blood on it
but dreaming of a world unknown in this ill built walled city seems so scary
because that’s what led me here the first time.
and im afraid
the blinking nightlight would soon extinguish too.
-Avni Jain
avni jain 