thatreaderbee

i had a dream by Avni Jain

i had a dream i was rolling down mountain grass like i did at 9

i let the same wind take me like it did when i was 7

things don’t seem

as wide

as endless

as infinite

the way they did at 13

because i can’t flow with the wind anymore

breathing seems heavier than usual

the ruins of eating disorder are building themselves up again

and this time they seem invicible once again

a grey cloud overcasts my brain

my heart so deprived of warmth

and i know this feeling too well to feel it all over again.

i sometimes wish i never left that walled city of darkness

because im hitting curbs and everything along the way to not take that path anymore

but the city calls for me.

the city feels like a home to me.

the city strips me of my desire to make any effort

to smile

to eat

to breathe

dreaming of a way out seems like that one blinking nightlight without any spot of blood on it

but dreaming of a world unknown in this ill built walled city seems so scary

because that’s what led me here the first time.

and im afraid

the blinking nightlight would soon extinguish too.

-Avni Jain

you say you love me by Avni Jain

you say you love me then why do you make me feel so starved for love

you say love me but i dont see that love in the look of disgust you throw at me

you say love me but your words become blades severing every fragile wall i built

you say you love me but im scared because beauty starts decaying once it starts belonging.

you say you love me but your name is burnt into my skin and i smell of smoke and dying flesh on my way back home.

you say you love me and i feel like a lovesick fool around you but i feel walls creeping up on me the way your hands did as soon as i reach home.

it fills my entire room until i can’t move any longer

until i pick up the blade to return to my body.

my pysche cries a war on my body because

i have been trying recover lost time and all i can remembers is your hollow i love yous.

the next time you tell me you love me,

i wouldn’t say i don’t believe it.

i would say i want to.

-Avni Jain

i don’t stay long enough

i don’t stay long enough to hear the applause

mainly because i feel like i don’t deserve it

i don’t stay long enough to be loved

letters from lost lovers lie strangled in mess of my mind

i don’t dare to open them

for im scared of all the missed love stories

i move through people’s lives like a drift

i don’t like the ways they’ve looked at me.

the ways they’ve perceived me.

i don’t know when i turn transform from a person to a concept

a figment of their ideas.

i run back to my home reducing everything into a metaphor

;

they asked me where do i want to be in the next 5 years

i want to have an exit door

i want a little extra space

i want the little spaces between the boxes to breathe

to flow into

i want to run as i fast i can

i want to breathe in a land beyond the four walls

i want the strength to push these walls when they creep onto me

when every metaphor i write comes crumbling down into the ugly truth it was

when no artistry can aid the blood dripping over the same four walls;

when i can’t separate my breath and smoke anymore

i need the strength.

the power

to stay.

to fight back.

-Avni Jain

picture-perfect destiny

mom

how have you been

we are in the same house

a floor away

but i can feel myself distancing from you

because i’m afraid

i’m afraid you would recognize i’m not the person you raised

i’m afraid that you will see through these carefully concealed scars

i’m afraid the smoke lingering on me would catch you

and im sorry.

i’m sorry,

i was supposed to be the strong one

i was supposed to have the soul of an angel but the hands of a fighter

but mom, i couldn’t fight.

i wanted to but i ~~didn’t.~~

couldn’t.

i grieve for the woman you wanted to raise

for the fighter, you wanted to raise

but how do i tell you

that existing every day like this

feels like a battle in itself

how do i tell you that every breath i take comes with a warning sign

i know you didn’t want to see me like this

trust me neither did i

i wanted the picture-perfect life

you and i envisioned on the first day of kindergarten

the one i was destined for;

but i am not tall enough to climb those heights anymore

and i don’t know what my destiny beholds now.

all i want right now is to breathe.

-Avni Jain

colouring outside the lines

i could never colour within the lines

i felt freedom outside them

and as i grew up

i took every path except the safe ones

now that i sit here across the dining table from the people i’ve known my entire life

i realise they don’t know me.

and im still peeling that skin beside my nails

like the day i told them i couldn’t get an A

i had been trying to let that skin grow lately- well, i don’t know anymore.

i spent years crafting these wings to reach my first grade teacher’s prophecy,

but now i just stand under the sun

to feel my skin burning,

to feel anything except this fear;

this fear of not belonging,

this fear that was once curiosity,

this fear that was once butterflies in my stomach,

the fear that made the nine-year-old me lock myself in the washroom and strangle her neck.

the same fear that made the fourteen-year-old me carve hate on my skin,

the fear that stitches my lips everytime i try to speak up,

the fear that i can never escape.

so, i let myself burn.

i’ve found a home here.

i don’t like this place but there’s comfort here.

how does a numb soul win a burning skin?

-Avni Jain