picture-perfect destiny

mom

how have you been

we are in the same house 

a floor away

but i can feel myself distancing from you

because i’m afraid 

i’m afraid you would recognize i’m not the person you raised 

i’m afraid that you will see through these carefully concealed scars

i’m afraid the smoke lingering on me would catch you

and im sorry.

i’m sorry,

i was supposed to be the strong one

i was supposed to have the soul of an angel but the hands of a fighter

but mom, i couldn’t fight.

i wanted to but i didn’t.

couldn’t.

i grieve for the woman you wanted to raise

for the fighter, you wanted to raise 

but how do i tell you

that existing every day like this

feels like a battle in itself 

how do i tell you that every breath i take comes with a warning sign 

i know you didn’t want to see me like this

trust me neither did i

i wanted the picture-perfect life

you and i envisioned on the first day of kindergarten

the one i was destined for;

but i am not tall enough to climb those heights anymore

and i don’t know what my destiny beholds now.

all i want right now is to breathe.

-Avni Jain