Author Archives: thatreaderbee

In June 2023, I had the incredible opportunity to perform with Delhi Poetry Slam in the presence of the extremely talented JustJamaal The Poet. Being a bit of a fangirl about his work, I was justifiably nervous during my performance, especially knowing I was the performer just before him. I had witnessed incredible works come alive on that stage before my performance and the sole words of motivation I could muster up for myself were “Just Breathe.”

However, witnessing the theatrical aspects and the life of performances before mine spurred a little mischief in my brain as well. As I was reciting my piece about the heights I aspire to reach and simulating myself into the person I wanted to be, I could feel my high heels nagging on my feet. So, instead of the original line “all I want right now is to breathe”, I recited “all I want right now is to take a step back” and stepped down off my heels. It was not the most theatrical gesture I could’ve come up with, however, I felt it brought a little life to the poem I wrote one random day as a gloomy seventeen-year-old. It also made Jamaal remember me as “the heels girl” and oh, I am so grateful for that. I hope this performance and the [updated ;)] version of the poem finds you well. ❤

picture-perfect destiny

mom

how have you been

we are in the same house 

a floor away

but i can feel myself distancing from you

because i’m afraid 

i’m afraid you would recognize i’m not the person you raised 

i’m afraid that you will see through these carefully concealed scars

i’m afraid the smoke lingering on me would catch you

and im sorry.

i’m sorry,

i was supposed to be the strong one

i was supposed to have the soul of an angel but the hands of a fighter

but mom, i couldn’t fight.

i wanted to but i didn’t.

couldn’t.

i grieve for the woman you wanted to raise

for the fighter, you wanted to raise 

but how do i tell you

that existing every day like this

feels like a battle in itself 

how do i tell you that every breath i take comes with a warning sign 

i know you didn’t want to see me like this

trust me neither did i

i wanted the picture-perfect life

you and i envisioned on the first day of kindergarten

the one i was destined for;

but i am not tall enough to climb those heights anymore

i’ve been tip-toeing around in my highest heels to reach them

but my feet are covered in blisters 

and im afraid i’d fall on my next step

and all i want right now

is to take a step down.

-Avni Jain

i found a man who makes writing about the sun the moon the stars seem menial

because compared to the glow of his eyes, the melody of his voice

the warmth of his arms

the stars never stood a chance

he is sunshine packed in a 6 ft body

i found a man

who i want to pick flowers for

i found a man

who kisses me in the silent corners of art galleries

explains me the metro routes

hugs me when i’m cold

holds my heels when i’m tired

tells me i look beautiful when i’ve just stopped crying and mascara has flooded my face

i found a man

who doesn’t try to save me

or fix me

or make a shrine for himself because he saved me from the pain i had infiltrated myself

he just tries to love me

i found a man

who i think deserves someone way brighter than me

he tells me

im the brightest

he tells me

out of all the colour in the world

the brown in my eyes is his favourite

he tells me i’m the world

but he is my universe

and i’m a rock floating endlessly in space

i want to fall in love everyday

but there is so much grief

because ive been told tell me love is a concept created by industrialists to sell their mediocre chocolates

the romance books told me love, if done right, doesn’t happen twice.

the scientists told me the atoms of our skin gets replaced every year meaning our skin will lose the memory of everything we’ve ever touched

but the fingerprints on our souls

they remain.

they persist through every new lover, every new home, every new route, every new family

the fingerprints on our souls never fade away.

because i remember the pen pal i had when i was 12

who told me poetry is not difficult.

its simple

its feeling.

i remember the doctor who told me that the little bookstore cafe on his way over reminded him of me.

the teacher who treated me like her daughter

the girl in my english class who lent me her favourite book

so, if i had to answer what love was,

i’ll stitch you an ill fitted sweater of threads of these memories

it will keep you warm,

just enough.

and i so hope the authors were wrong about love not happening twice

because i want to fall in love everyday

i want fall in love when i see the eyes of street dogs when you feed them

i want to fall in love with the guards who let you enter without your id card because well they’ve remembered you

i want to fall in love with the people i mirror when i cross the road because god knows i would be dead without them

i want to fall in love with a man i met for one day and then forget him for ten years (this one might be a little tricky)

i want to fall in love with the drunk girls who believe it is their duty to take care of every heartbroken introverted girl at the club

i want to fall in love with everyone who starts dancing with our little group when we play music in a little corner

i want to fall hoplessly madly in love with the person who falls in love with me everyday

i want to fall in love everyday

but there is so much grief

and so much love.

and i know it’s here.

it’s me. it’s you.

-avni jain

Hi! It had been a while since I posted a fun, conversational blog (I do have a newsletter where I do this and send upcoming opportunities for writers and poets). I turned 18 this 26th and god, the existential crisis has been crippling. Having always been the youngest in the room, turning eighteen was an extremely intimidating quest for me, so I filled my week prior to it filled trying to avoid thinking of it as best as I could, however, I did make a few questionable decisions as well, which you probably should not make. Secondly, I have been thinking of a rebrand for my blog, I have had this look, feel and genre to my blog for around two years now and I have been happy about it but I have had quite a few significant changes since then and I feel it’s only natural for it to reflect on my blog as well. I have been writing this blog since I was 12 (read about it here) hence it made sense to write my 18th birthday post here instead of the newsletter haha. Let me know if I should continue writing blogs like these, I would love to interact as myself here too!

a picture journal of turning 18.

1. Reading Fyodor Dostoevsky

I started off my week by reading Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Notes from the Underground and it DID mess up my brain. Already living in the fear of getting older, this book messed up my mind additionally. I am going to recommend reading this book if you are already questioning your existence because this book will intensify those thoughts and leave you wondering and speculating about the reasons behind every little action of yours. Well, that’s what I feel right now being half done with the book, I shall post a detailed review of how it messed up my brain once I read it full

2. Spent the perfect Barbenheimer weekend

I watched Oppenheimer on the second day of its release and Barbie on Sunday. The craze was real, from the long queues to filled theatres at 9 a.m., however, I was a little disappointed by both movies but I loved everyone’s enthusiasm, eagerness and the thought behind outfits for cinema. I wore a flowy little perylene red dress to Oppenheimer, safe to say, I was judged by fellow viewers but in my defence, the dress was really cute and wearing all-black outfits is just wrong (Anna Wintour said so). I did dress on the theme for Barbie though, I wore a pink shirt and green mini skirt but I was still judged and stared upon by other viewers so eh.

3. Possibly had my you jump, I jump jack moment (Gilmore Girls)

I have been a wild child for most of my teenage years but I slowed down as I turned 17 but the wild child in me wanted to relive that thrill again before turning 18. I scored fairly decent in my class 12th board examination and was being facilitated in a community event and ah, it was mind-numbing, waiting around, hearing the same thing by all sponsors, I couldn’t sit there anymore until I got into a conversation with the son of one of the sponsors and ended the night by debating in a room of strangers… (let me know if you want to know the whole story, I might write a newsletter on it)

4. Went on a walk every alternate day

I spent 2021-22 fighting an eating disorder and often exercised solely to lose weight. However, I had been wanting to start running, so I decided to start by taking one step at a time and start going on walks! It has somehow also helped my skin grow clearer!

5. Got drenched on my birthday

I believe that if it rains on my birthday, I have a great year ahead. Considering the weather the week prior to my birthday this year, I was quite sure it wouldn’t rain this year but it did rain, on the morning of my birthday itself and I just had to get drenched, even if it made me a little sick throughout the day. So, here’s to believing I am going to have a great year ahead!