happily ever after- a suicide note.

Dearest,

 i can feel loosing my mind. there’s something cold growing in my heart. the coldness brewing in my heart has numbed it. my feet have frozen,

i don’t realize when i

start playing with ring on my fingers

 peeling off my skin

 i have scars i don’t remember giving myself.

there are flashes before my eyes,

whispers i can’t seem to make sense of.

 and i can’t fight them any longer.

but i want you to know, i lived exactly how you wanted me to.

 i felt strong enough to fight my abuser back,

 sent in my resumé, got accepted,

wrote songs, poetries,

there are still a thousand things to write about, to speak on but it seems in vain,

watched my final sunrise and sunset,

enjoyed looking at you for a long time

i loved you,

you loved me,

and there were days I knew,

I knew it’s all going to be okay if this is forever,

but you can’t hold onto something forever.

and happiness doesn’t look like that for me.

and im way too lost here to find my home,

because I don’t know where it is.

i can’t find a way back home because i’m tired.

i’m tired and I can’t find my happily ever after here.

and I don’t know where to go.

-Avni Jain