In June 2023, I had the incredible opportunity to perform with Delhi Poetry Slam in the presence of the extremely talented JustJamaal The Poet. Being a bit of a fangirl about his work, I was justifiably nervous during my performance, especially knowing I was the performer just before him. I had witnessed incredible works come alive on that stage before my performance and the sole words of motivation I could muster up for myself were “Just Breathe.”
However, witnessing the theatrical aspects and the life of performances before mine spurred a little mischief in my brain as well. As I was reciting my piece about the heights I aspire to reach and simulating myself into the person I wanted to be, I could feel my high heels nagging on my feet. So, instead of the original line “all I want right now is to breathe”, I recited “all I want right now is to take a step back” and stepped down off my heels. It was not the most theatrical gesture I could’ve come up with, however, I felt it brought a little life to the poem I wrote one random day as a gloomy seventeen-year-old. It also made Jamaal remember me as “the heels girl” and oh, I am so grateful for that. I hope this performance and the [updated ;)] version of the poem finds you well. ❤
picture-perfect destiny
mom
how have you been
we are in the same house
a floor away
but i can feel myself distancing from you
because i’m afraid
i’m afraid you would recognize i’m not the person you raised
i’m afraid that you will see through these carefully concealed scars
i’m afraid the smoke lingering on me would catch you
and im sorry.
i’m sorry,
i was supposed to be the strong one
i was supposed to have the soul of an angel but the hands of a fighter
but mom, i couldn’t fight.
i wanted to but i didn’t.
couldn’t.
i grieve for the woman you wanted to raise
for the fighter, you wanted to raise
but how do i tell you
that existing every day like this
feels like a battle in itself
how do i tell you that every breath i take comes with a warning sign
i know you didn’t want to see me like this
trust me neither did i
i wanted the picture-perfect life
you and i envisioned on the first day of kindergarten
the one i was destined for;
but i am not tall enough to climb those heights anymore
i’ve been tip-toeing around in my highest heels to reach them
but my feet are covered in blisters
and im afraid i’d fall on my next step
and all i want right now
is to take a step down.
-Avni Jain
AVNI JAIN 